Day 7: Sick, MO, aaaaand Tangent
I was feeling a little weak and cloudy the day before while we were on the boat, so tried to drink plenty of water, but the damage must have already been done. I was severely dehydrated and getting sick.
This photo is NOT from today.
I skipped sunrise yoga, which I was thoroughly bummed about, but knew that it was more important for me to rest and nip this sickness in the bud, so it didnt interfere any more than it had to in the trip.
The group went zip lining at the resort and I stayed home. They had such a great time and said it was like an obstacle course too where you climb walls, go through tires, under ropes, etc. I was so bummed because I had to miss out on the fun, but so pumped they had such a great time! FOMO, but in this case, just MO because I did in fact, 100% miss out.
I ate breakfast at the buffet late in the morning. They were out of hot soup, so I got fried rice with chicken and a bowl of fresh fruit with strawberry yogurt. I wrote in my journal and I created a facebook group for the retreat so that we could share pictures with each other and stay in touch. It was nice to have some time to myself to do things like that, even though I did miss the ziplining.
I stopped to chat with some of the group here and there but ended back up at my room for quite a while, to rest in the AC and drink water.
Kat and Bill gave me a hydration packet with electro lights. Nicole gave me some emergency. Laurie gave me some oregano and zinc. Frank gave me some energy.
This is the first time I have been so severely dehydrated without having drank alcohol in excess the night before.
Is it possible that I have a happiness hangover?
I go off on a pretty good tangent here, FYI...
Today is the third time I have thought about alcohol on this trip, and it was because I was mentally comparing my sickness symptoms to an extreme hangover, minus the guilt or shame that its usually associated with.
One of the other times I thought about alcohol was when we had lunch in between temples and were served a pineapple smoothie for desert. The smoothie had salt in it, cutting the sweetness of the pineapple just right and I was thinking that It tasted like a margarita. And then I though what kind of tequila I’d add to it… and then I thought id take the pineapple and the salt away and just keep the tequila.
The other time I thought about alcohol was when we arrived at the resort in Krabi and a lady approached me with a tray of drinks, half were red and half were white, and I assumed they were wine because that place had just walked us in under umbrellas and already seemed like the “above and beyond” type. I passed, but later found out it was just juice.
Besides those times, I pretty much forgot that I am a recovering alcoholic. I hate saying it like that because it Has always had such a weak and dirty connotation, but I guess its true, though it doesn’t define me. It’s not my only label.
No one cares that I am not drinking, not that people have been drinking much anyway or have even noticed that I am not.
Its hard to believe that there was even a time when drinking alcohol was what my life revolved around. Its hard to believe I thought I needed it so much. It’s hard to believe I had been stuck in two opposing worlds for so much of my life, the health world and the addiction, teaching yoga during the day and crushing bottles and then some at night.
The hypocrisy tore me apart.
When I was in a binge drinking phase (which was often), alcohol was always the number one priority. Either getting it, consuming it, or recovering from drinking it. I wasted so much time in my life giving alcohol priority over myself, my family, my friends, my career. I was the one creating my problem, but wanted so badly to blame others. I had to delve deep into the reasons I reached for the drink in the first place, and acknowledge that alcohol was never really the problem, it was the unhealed parts of me that I didn’t want to face. It was me needing something that I was not getting.
I have gone months here and there being sober, like after Cooper died, I was sober three months because I truly wanted to feel the essence of the loss, and cope in a healthy way. I always fell off the wagon though.
Taking control of my addiction, by taking the power away from alcohol has been the number one catalyst to living the life I have always dreamed of living. A life where I treat my body, mind and soul with respect. A life where I choose myself, my family, my friends, my career, my goals, and my healthy world, every day.
Since I have dedicated myself to recovery, I have also dedicated myself to kindness, patience, and forgiveness, toward myself and towards others.
I am not perfect, nor have I mastered any of this, but being more mindful and responsible for my own energy and what I put out into the world, is definitely the first step to understanding what comes back. And giving yourself credit for your progress is important too. My sister is always great at reminding me how far I have come.
I have been receiving a lot of messages from friends and family that have been following me on my journey. Thank you so much for your support and I am so glad you are enjoying my blog and my adventure so far.
Many of you have said you “wish you could do that”. Maybe you mean visit Thailand. Maybe you mean a yoga retreat. Maybe you mean look so genuinely happy in photos on social media? This is what have to say to that:
YOU CAN. If I can do it, you can do it. All I did was wake up one day and said FUCK THIS. Then I said to my demons, I won’t be your bitch anymore! I have too make great things I want to do in my life!
I made the decision to commit to my growth and stopped letting my bullshit run my life.
You are always just one decision away from the life that you envision for yourself. It all starts within.
Even if you arent struggling with addiction, depression and anxiety like me, chances are you may have unresolved issues or parts of you that you need to heal. And maybe those issues have been holding you back from reaching contentment or true happiness, your fullest potential. You are not your addiction. You are not your past. You are not your weight. You are not your bank account. You are not your childhood. But, all these things are a part of your story.
You are an imperfect, perfect human being. An AMAZING human full of potential and the first step is to commit to your growth, commit to loving yourself and remember, if it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you. (NS) IF your dreams don’t scare you a little they aren’t big enough. You are meant to leave a legacy.
It can be scary, but what has always been more scary to me is being boring and average.
If you have demons, it’s time for you to face them, too, and tell them you won’t be their bitch anymore.
Stay hydrated, my friends, and do what sets your soul on fire.